boy wonder blues, for brightly_lit

[summergen-mod.livejournal.com]

Title: boy wonder blues
Recipient: brightly_lit
Rating: T
Word Count or Media: 2742
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: For the prompt hiraeth.

Summary: Jack and Kevin share a moment of understanding.



Things don’t go back to the way they were before.

Adam moves in first. Sam’s conflicted about this, but Dean rolls out the welcome mat because Adam needs a place to crash when he’s not flitting around the world with Michael. Jack thinks privately that Dean prefers having Adam around; it spares him the trouble of dealing with Jack.

Dean’s good at hiding his feelings, but Jack’s also gotten good at reading Dean. He knows the difference between duty and love, and he can’t fool himself into thinking Dean feels anything beyond a vague sense of obligation towards him.

“Give him time,” Castiel advises. “He does think of you as a son.”

If the past few years has taught Jack anything, it’s that fathers tend to have favorite sons, and Jack is not— and probably will never be— the Winchesters’ favorite son.

That honor goes to Kevin Tran.

Kevin moves in one month after Adam and Jack learns just what a triumphant homecoming looks like. Dean invites Garth and his family down to the bunker for the celebration, and then he calls Jody and the girls, even though they were never introduced to Kevin before his death. Champagne flows freely the first night, and after one final round of hugs and back claps, Kevin retires to his room— the room that’s been left untouched as a shrine to the Boy Wonder.

Jack looks at him and sees the half-crazed suicide bomber from the other universe, but he keeps that to himself. He’s starting to understand why Dean leaves so many things unsaid; there are things that don’t need to see the light of day.

“Do you— do you like him too?” he asks Castiel one night.

They’re the only ones in the bunker. Dean’s making good on a promise he made to Kevin long ago; the two of them headed out to Chicago this morning to attend an Ali Wong show. Sam and Adam had plans to follow them in another car, until they discovered that unlike Dean, Adam didn’t have an aversion to camping. So now they’re off in the woods, trying to bond through shared masochism.

Jack was invited to both activities, but he knew they didn’t really want him to tag along.

So he didn’t.

And now he’s rattling around in the bunker, seeking reassurance from Castiel that he still loves Jack the best. It’s shameful impulse he thinks he should try to curb, but he knows he’s going to give in to it tonight.

Castiel gives him a look that says he sees right through Jack, but he’s going to humor Jack anyway. “I respect him,” Cas says eventually. “He translated the tablets to the best of his ability, and then fell in the line of duty.”

“You don’t like him very much, do you?” Jack concludes.

“I don’t know him that well,” Cas admits. “The first time I met him, I was still out of my mind. I was coming off the tail end of my disastrous stint as God, and Dean still feared and resented me. I think he said some things to the boy. Kevin’s always been wary of me, even after I saved him from Crowley.”

“So— Kevin doesn’t like you?” The very thought sends a surge of anger through Jack. “What gives him the right?”

“I did slam him into the wall the last time we talked before his death,” Cas says. “I imagine that’s another reason Dean didn’t fight Gadreel harder when he asked Dean to send me away.”

“Well, he doesn’t get to chase you out of your own home this time around,” Jack says, feeling raw and hurt and furious on Cas’s behalf.

“This was his home first,” Cas reminds Jack gently.

“But it’s our home now too,” Jack says. “Shouldn’t that count for something?”

--

The bunker doesn’t feel like home anymore.

It’s a gradual realization, but when it fully sinks in, Jack knows that he needs to move out. He doesn’t know how to bring it up with Cas — even after everything, Cas still sees him as the lynchpin holding the family together.

That’s not wholly untrue. It’s one of his achievements that Kevin has yet to match. Jack is and will always be the boy Dean puts up with because of Castiel. The boy Dean sees as a son, even if Cas can’t uphold his side of their unspoken bargain and learn to see Sam and Kevin as his family.

Jack has become a source of pride for Cas for reasons beyond his own merits. It’s what he represents, rather than who he is.

The thought rankles, but it doesn’t bother him too much if he doesn’t dwell on it. He usually doesn’t. It’s only when Cas and Dean fight that Jack is reminded of his tenuous standing in the family, and even though Dean prefers to have those fights behind closed doors so he can present a united front with Cas, Jack can hear them all the same.

They don’t fight over Jack. They fight over Kevin.

“He’s not a soldier,” Dean snaps at Cas after another fight over Kevin’s prophet duties. “He’s a boy who died once on my watch and I’ll be damned if I let him die again.”

“He’s also the only prophet we have who is in possession of a soul,” Cas growls. “This is his duty.”

“Not anymore, if I have anything to say about it.”

“Dean.”

“Let me ask you something, Cas. Would you treat Jack this way? There is no out. Only duty. Would you stand for someone treating him like that in his own home?”

Jack doesn’t hear Cas’s reply, but he must have given Dean some kind of nonverbal answer, because Dean’s voice gets cold after that.

“Yeah. I thought so,” Dean says. “You can fuck right off, Cas.”

Jack already knows that Cas won’t fuck off, because that’s not the way Cas and Dean work. But he also knows that the fight’s about to get ugly, and Jack gets the feeling that this time, Dean’s not going to back down.

Jack could go get Sam. Get him to run interference before the fists start to fly. But Sam invariably sides with Dean, and he likes Kevin a lot. If he catches wind of how this argument started, he’ll probably push Dean aside and have a go at Cas himself.

And Jack can’t let that happen. He’s supposed to be Cas’s guarantee that he’ll never find himself backed into a corner without an ally— that’s his job.

“Stop it!” he shouts before he really thinks it through. “Stop fighting.”

He thinks Cas and Dean go still behind the door.

After a beat, Dean’s door swings open a crack. Cas fills the opening. “Jack,” he says, voice rough, “you shouldn’t be here.”

“Did you hear us fighting?” Dean asks from behind Cas, sounding equally upset and tense. “Sorry. I keep forgetting you have Vulcan hearing.”

“Why are you two always fighting?” Jack asks, careful— so careful— not to assign blame, or to pick sides.

The door swings wide open and Dean steps out.

“We’re not fighting anymore,” he says, but he gives Cas a look. Jack knows it means raincheck.

“I can make Kevin normal,” Jack offers, because that’s the crux of the problem, isn’t it? “I can take away his prophet powers.”

Dean blanches. “That’s not even an option we’re considering,” he says, looking horrified. “Jack, those powers are a part of Kevin. You can’t just take them away— hell, you shouldn’t do anything to Kevin unless he explicitly asks for it, and even then, you’d have to check to see if he’s in his right mind.”

“Why not?” Cas demands. “Being a prophet is a job, and the boy’s never wanted to do it. Our research has hit a brick wall because you keep coddling the boy.”

“So ask Donatello.”

“We just went over this— he doesn’t have a soul.”

“And Kevin’s already died once! He doesn’t owe you, Cas, he never did! If he’s not willing—”

“Then let Jack transfer his powers to someone willing.”

Dean looks at Cas coldly. “By that same logic, we should let Sister Jo rip out your grace and use it for her miracles. You think you’d like that?”

“Anael can try,” Cas says, eyes flashing blue. “If I don’t rip hers out first.”

Dean whirls on Jack. “Jack,” he says, “under no circumstances are you to do anything to Kevin without his consent. If I find out that you’ve fucked with his powers, there will be hell to pay. Do you understand me?”

“Are you threatening—”

Jack turns around and flees.

--

He ends up in front of a rundown apartment building in Manhattan, Kansas.

The rent’s cheap. He knows because he looked it up before, when he was wondering if he wanted to spend a couple of years living as a normal college student. KSU isn’t too far from the bunker; it’s driving distance, if he wants to pretend that he can’t teleport.

He thinks about going through it now. He can magic up an ID and a bank account; he can get the paperwork to pass muster.

He hears the car first. It’s a deep-throated rumble, and for a wild moment, Jack thinks it’s Dean pulling up in the Impala to come take him home.

But then Kevin calls out lightly, “Hey, Boy Blunder. Dean sent me out here to bring you home.”

Jack is unspeakably disappointed.

“He couldn’t come himself?” he asks, and he hates the way his voice quavers a little.

Kevin gives him a knowing look. “I’m a prophet,” he says gently. “Finding you is kinda my job.”

And there he is — Kevin Tran, the good son, the perfect soldier.

“I’m not coming,” Jack announces, just to spite the other boy.

Kevin sighs. Turns off the engine and just sits in the car, like he thinks he can wait out Jack’s fit of lunacy. “Dean’s making brisket,” he says. “The kind you had in Texas a couple months ago? You said you liked it, right?”

Jack did like it. So much that he wouldn’t stop talking about it for the rest of the hunt.

He didn’t know Dean had quietly taken note of his preferences.

Kevin smiles slightly, and Jack knows that his expression must have given him away.

Still— “You can’t bribe me with food,” he says, trying to shore up his resolve.

“He also says he’s very sorry and he won’t fight with Cas in front of you again,” Kevin says, but he’s no longer smiling. He’s studying Jack closely and Jack thinks he detects a note of disapproval in Kevin’s gaze.

Like he thinks they forced the apology out of Dean. Like he thinks it’s unjust.

“Is that enough to get you to come home?” Kevin asks.

“Yeah,” Jack says, quiet.

“Then get in the car.”

But Kevin doesn’t start the engine up again after Jack climbs into the passenger seat. He’s staring at the leasing office, like it’s just clicked into place what Jack was trying to do.

“If you really wanna do the college thing,” he says at last, “you might as well try for out of state.”

Jack scowls at him. “Trying to get rid of me?”

Kevin grins. “It was worth a try.”

“Well, you’re out of luck. I don’t want to leave Kansas. I just wanted to—”

He trails off, suddenly uncertain just exactly what he wants to do.

“Just wanted some space?” Kevin prompts. He’s not even looking at Jack; he’s busy sending a message to Dean on his phone, probably reassuring him that he’s got a handle on Jack’s teenage angst.

“It’s not that,” Jack says.

After a beat, Kevin looks up. “You wanna elaborate?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Jack says truthfully.

He’s not being difficult. It’s just that—

Kevin’s led a pretty tragic life, but his record is clean. Even cleaner than Dean’s, and Dean has the cleanest record out of Team Free Will. He’s succeeded at every task he’s ever set out to do, and even if he’s not exactly the picture of graciousness when he’s translating the tablets — even if he works intermittently and far too slowly for Castiel’s taste — he’s still the Golden Boy, the saintly martyr who’s closer to canonization than the Winchesters are ever going to get.

Kevin has never had to contend with disappointing the people he loves, and given where his talents lie, he never will.

“You know,” Kevin says, putting his phone away, “there’s a reason why I’m still hanging around the bunker when I could be back home with my mother.”

Jack stares at him, and Kevin gives a small, one-shouldered shrug. Like he’s saying, where do I start?

“Is she — is she disappointed in you?”

Jack can’t imagine how that’s possible.

“Disappointed is a strong word,” Kevin says. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I think— I think I just make her sad.”

“Does she say anything?”

“No. But she looks at me like I’m breaking her heart, and that’s worse.”

Because Kevin’s never going to have the life she wanted for him.

Jack opens his mouth, and then shuts it when he realizes that he doesn’t know the right thing to say.

But Kevin’s already turning his focus back on Jack. “So, why do you need space from the Winchesters?”

“Because I did break their hearts,” Jack says. The words come out in a rush, and suddenly, there’s no holding back. “When they look at me, I don’t think they see me. It’s like they’re looking for the person I could have been, or the person I used to be. Before I lost my soul and killed their mom. But they can’t get him back, so now they’re just settling for a crummy replacement.”

Even as he talks, he can feel shame heating his cheeks. Mary’s dead by his hands, and here he is, sitting in Kevin’s car, whining that her sons don’t love him enough. What must Kevin think?

He sneaks a look at the other boy.

Kevin’s eyes are dark with sympathy. “Distance is supposed to help,” he says quietly. “That and time, I suppose.”

“That’s why—” Jack gestures at the leasing office. “But I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t want to leave Cas to fend for himself.”

“He did fine for millennia before you came along,” Kevin says. “I think he’ll manage with you a short drive away.”

“But I’d wonder. I’d worry.” He glances at Kevin. “Don’t you worry about your mom?”

“Of course I do. But—” Kevin hesitates. “That’s just part of growing up.”

The whole thing sounds like a pretty raw deal to Jack.

“I guess that’s what Cas meant,” he says. “When he said that this life is rarely happy.”

“You learn how to settle,” Kevin says. “It doesn’t have to be miserable.”

But settle is such an ugly word. People who settle watch their chances of happiness go down the drain, all the while thinking that what they have should be good enough. They think that only ingrates have the gall to ask for more, so they sit in the dark and suffer.

Jack’s always wanted more. He was born to guarantee that Team Free Will would get their happy endings; is it so unreasonable to want one for himself?

“What would settling even look like in my case?” he asks, feeling wretched.

“Like this, I imagine,” Kevin says, nodding at the building in front of them. “Or what you just stormed away from a couple hours ago.”

“God.” Jack exhales roughly. “I don’t want that. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before.”

“Who doesn’t?” Kevin says with a wry twist to his mouth. But then his expression softens and he looks down, like he’s trying to think of something comforting to say.

His phone buzzes.

“It’s Dean,” Jack says. A superfluous observation, since the screen lights up with Dean’s name.

The conversation’s over.

Kevin scans his texts. “He wants to know if we’re gonna be back for dinner,” he says after he finishes reading Dean’s message. He pauses for a beat. “So, you ready to head back?”

He’s looking at Jack expectantly.

There’s really only one option open to Jack.

“Yes,” he says, the taste of acquiescence bitter on his tongue. “Tell him we’re on our way.”