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spn_summergenTitle: As Long As We’re Together
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lotrspnfangirl
Rating: PG
Word Count: 7,203
Warnings: None
Summary: There is no Dean without Sam or Sam without Dean.
Dean was startled awake by a piercing scream, for a moment he panicked, thinking someone was hurt, then he remembered where he was and that this was a nightly occurrence. Just like every night he waited to see if his parents would answer those little wails but as usual no one stirred. It killed him to wait, not to immediately jump up and run to his little brother, but it killed him more to know that he was the only one who would. He was just a little kid himself, he didn’t understand a lot of things, but he did understand that moms and dads were supposed to take care of their kids. His mom and dad had done that for him, still did, whenever he cried or needed something they were there for him, but when his little brother cried it was like they couldn't even hear him.
Dean threw the covers off and swung his little legs over the side of the bed. Jumping down he hurried to his little brothers room in the dark, knowing the way by memory, and pushed the door open. The cries seemed to get louder, as if his little brother knew that Dean was there and wanted him to move faster. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with a chubby little fist, Dean reached up and flipped the light on. He could see his little brother in his crib, face bright red, curled up on himself as he continued to scream and cry. It lit an urgency in Dean and he quickly went to the crib, grabbed his step stool, and lowered the side.
Looking down at his little brother his heart broke a bit more, he didn’t think that was possible anymore, for that achy feeling in his chest to get any worse, but it did, every time. Climbing into the crib Dean wrapped his arms around the squirming baby, “Shh Sammy, it’s ok, I’m here, it’s ok.”
Baby Sammy looked up at his brother and started to quiet, his screams turning to hiccups as he snuggled closer to the only love and safety he had ever known. Dean pulled his little brother closer and rubbed his hand up and down his back in a soothing gesture.
“Don’t worry Sammy it will be ok, you’ll see, it’s ok.” Dean kept rubbing Sammy’s back while he thought of all the reasons that could have caused his brother to cry. He reached down and checked his diaper noticing that it was wet. “Need a diaper change little guy?” Sammy looked up at him with huge watery eyes that made that achy feeling in Dean’s chest intensify. Dean started to roll away to go get a clean diaper but was stopped when Sammy reached out with a tiny little hand and gently touched Dean’s face. Dean placed his hand on top of Sammy’s baby hand, “I gotcha Sammy, everything will be fine I promise.”
Sammy cooed and started kicking his little feet causing Dean to chuckle and wipe away the moisture that had gathered in his eyes. Everything really would be ok as long as they had each other.
~~~~
The years passed and nothing seemed to change, it only got worse in fact, not only did his parents never respond when Sammy cried, or walked for the first time, or said his first word, but every time Dean would run excitedly to his mom and dad to tell them about it his mom would start crying and his dad would yell at him. None of it made any sense to Dean but it only made him more resolved to be anything and everything in the world to his little brother. He never forgot the promises he made to baby Sammy, cuddled up in the middle of the night, he would take care of his little brother no matter what.
“Dean?” Sammy tugged on Dean’s shirt pulling him out of his contemplation.
Dean looked down at his brother and couldn’t help but smile, his goofy kid was standing there in his Superman pajamas, hair sticking up every which way and shuffling his feet nervously. “What’s up kiddo?”
“Do I hafta go to my first day of school? Couldn’t I just stay home like always and wait for you to get home?” Sammy really didn’t want to go to school but he couldn’t tell Dean the real reason. He wasn’t scared or anything, he just knew he would be better off at home. The only person that ever really looked at him and saw him was Dean. Everyone else just kind of looked past him.
“Ah come on Sammy you’ll love school! It’s something that only big kids get to do, it will be fun I promise. You’ll get to make new friends, learn all your shapes and numbers and letters, and you’ll be in the same school as me it will be great, you’ll see.” Dean knew his brother was nervous about his first day but he had been too and while he wasn’t a huge fan of school it wasn’t so bad in the end.
“But Dean I already know all my shapes and numbers and letters you taught me ‘member? Why can’t you just keep teaching me all the stuff I need to know? You’re the best teacher ever! Way better than some smelly old adult that’s gonna try to tell me what to do all the time.” Sammy turned his sad eyes on full power and threw in some epic pout for effect, hoping to sway his big brother.
“No can do kiddo, you have to go to school and bring home all your gold stars to hang in our room. Besides, one day you’ll get tired of always hanging out with your big brother and you’ll want some friends of your own, school is a great place to meet some, you’ll love it Sammy and I’ll be there if you get scared.” Dean reached down and pulled Sammy into a hug trying to put some reassurance behind his words.
Sammy snuggled closer and tried not to cry, he had to be strong for Dean because Dean was always strong for him. If going to school and pretending he loved it was going to make Dean happy then that’s what he would do, no matter how much it hurt him, Dean was more important. His brother had sacrificed everything for him and he knew that, even at the age of five, he knew that he owed everything to Dean and he would’t let him down. “Ok Dean, I will try really hard and make you proud of me, promise.”
Dean pulled back to look into his brother’s eyes, “Sammy I am always proud of you, no matter what, always remember that.”
“I know Dean.” Sammy pulled out of his brothers arms and straightened his shoulders standing tall and proud, taking a deep breath he grabbed onto Dean’s hand, “Now help me get dressed so we can go already,” he said while pulling his brother toward their room.
Dean chuckled as he followed Sammy, everything was going to be ok as long as they had each other, that would never change.
~~~~~
Sammy stood and waited patiently for Dean to pull up in the Impala and take him home. He hated this, it was so hard to keep pretending but he couldn’t tell Dean the truth, it would destroy him. He still didn’t understand the whole truth himself, none of it made sense, it never had. As he watched all the other kids pass by he felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, he would never have that, he would never know what it felt like to be normal, but he had Dean and that was enough. Just as his thoughts were getting a bit too morose Dean pulled up and leaned over to open the door for Sam.
“Heya Sammy, have a good day nerding out with the rest of the dweebs?” Dean softened his words by reaching out and gently ruffling Sammy’s hair before pulling away from the curb.
“Yeah, sure Dean, you know how much I love never fitting in with anyone.” Sam hated to be so self pitying, and he knew how much Dean wanted him to be happy, but it was getting harder and harder everyday. Dean always used to say that as long as they had each other nothing else mattered but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Dean had friends, and mom, and dad, and even a girlfriend here and there, Sam only had Dean. As much as Sam loved his brother he couldn’t stop himself from longing for more connections, for something that was just his. Dean was his, even if he had to share, and he tried to be content with that, he loved his brother more than anything, that’s what this was all about after all.
Dean glanced at his brother as he drove and noticed the downturned slant of his mouth, the slumped shoulders with knees drawn up a bit as if he was trying to curl up on himself. Sammy had been getting more and more withdrawn the older he got and Dean just couldn’t understand why, Sammy was a fun kid, he was smart and generous, he should have friends and girls hanging off of him. Thing was though, he didn’t, Dean can’t remember a single friend coming over when Sam was younger for a playdate or sleep over and…and that tugged at something in Dean that made him immediately abandon that train of thought and focus instead on cheering Sammy up.
“Wanna go see that new SciFi movie you were geeking out over last week? What was it called? Species or some shit like that?” When he got a weak shrug in response Dean reached over and hauled Sammy against him attempting to one arm noogie him, “Come on Sammy! Aliens! You love that Alien shit! It will be fun, what do ya say?”
Sam was trying so hard not to crack a smile but Dean always made him feel better and almost against his will a huge smile broke out over his face as he shoved Dean off him, “Yeah, whatever Jerk, just stop manhandling me ya freakin caveman.” Sam tried for a serious face but couldn’t contain his laughter at the faux affronted look on Dean’s face.
“Yeah, whatever Bitch, you love me.”
Sam really did.
~~~~~~
Dean was trying not to panic, maybe Sam finally made a friend and decided to walk home with them, just because this was the first time since Sam started school that he wasn’t waiting for Dean to pick him up didn’t mean anything was wrong. He almost called his parents in his panic to see if they had picked Sam up but a sharp pain shot through his heart, that place inside of him tugged at his mind again, and he shut it all down…the only important thing was finding Sammy and making sure he was safe.
After checking the whole neighborhood Dean whipped the car into their driveway and slammed it into park. “Sorry Baby but there are more pressing matters,” he muttered in apology for his rough treatment of the car.
Dean tore through the front door and ran up the stairs shouting his brother’s name, “Sam! Sammy! You here?!”
“In here Dean.”
Instant relief flooded Dean when he heard his brother’s voice coming out of their room but something in his tone didn’t sound right, he almost sounded scared, or sad, something was definitely wrong. He slowed his steps and tuned all his senses on the closed door to their room. He couldn’t hear anything that indicated something was amiss but that didn’t mean it wasn’t.
Dean slowly pushed the door open and glanced in seeing Sammy sitting on the edge of his bed, shoulders tense and back ram rod straight. Dean’s heart started pounding in his chest and something started tugging at his mind again, what the hell was happening? “Sammy? What’s going on? Why didn’t you wait for me to pick you up?”
“I think I would be the best person to explain Samuel"s absence.”
The deep baritone voice made Dean jump and spin on his heel to face the intruder. Dean quickly assessed the threat, he didn’t look like much, trench coat was a little strange considering it was June. “Who the hell are you?! Why are you in our room?! What are you doing with my brother?!” Dean shouted rapid fire as he placed himself between the stranger and Sam. A light touch on his shoulder made him turn his head to glance at Sam who was now on his feet looking at Dean with such sadness that if Dean thought he had been scared before it was nothing compared to how terrified he felt now.
“Sammy?”
Sam stepped in front of Dean, putting his back to the stranger, which caused Dean to glare a warning at the man before turning his attention to his brother. “Sam who is this guy? He is way to old to be a friend from school so what the hell is he doing in our room?”
Sam shut his eyes for a minute trying to compose himself, he always knew something like this was coming, something that would force him to tell Dean the truth, force Dean to face a truth he had buried years ago. “This is Castiel, he’s here to help me, I know this looks weird but you have to trust me and hear us out ok?”
“Castiel? Castiel? What the hell kind of name is that?” Dean’s head was starting to hurt, the room begun to spin a little, it was like there was something scratching at his mind and heart and if he let this go on those scratches would tear him up inside.
“I am an Angel of the Lord.” Castiel said as he stood a little taller and straightened his trench coat.
Sam spun toward Castiel, “That is not helping! Who the hell just goes around saying things like that right off the bat? Seriously? You ever hear of easing people into things?” Sam shook his head in frustration and turned back to his brother with a sigh. “So yeah, there’s that, he really is an angel and before you say anything please let me get through this.” God, he didn’t even know where to start. How was he going to tell Dean he had to leave him?
Dean looked up at Sam and started to feel tendrils of panic whip at his heart, “Sammy?” He wished he could be more eloquent but all his love, panic, and confusion was wrapped up in that one word. Sam seemed to understand because he felt Sammy take his hand and walk him to the bed to sit down. Sam stood in front of him for a minute as though unsure how to proceed and started shuffling his feet; suddenly all Dean could see was lil Sammy in his Superman pajamas shuffling his feet just like that because he was nervous about starting school. He reached up and pulled Sam down next to him, his big brother instincts kicking in, “Whatever it is Sammy we can get through it, we can get through anything together you know that.”
Sam’s vision blurred with tears at his brother’s words and he looked to Castiel who merely nodded at him clearly signaling that Sam had to be the one to break this news to Dean. Stealing himself against the pain growing in his heart he wiped the tears away and looked at Dean.
“Dean, what I have to tell you isn’t going to be easy for you to hear but it’s something you’ve always known. It’s something you have pushed away for years because it was too painful to acknowledge and maybe I shouldn’t have allowed it to go on as long as I have but you have to believe that I need you as much as you need me, probably more.” Sam paused and searched his brother’s face for any sign of recognition, for a sign that maybe he didn’t have to spell it out for Dean but there was only panic and confusion looking back at him. “Dean, when was the last time anyone other than you talked to me?”
Oh god, Dean couldn’t do this, not this please, anything but…he stamped it down, made his mind tune everything but Sammy out, “What the hell are you talking about? I know Mom and Dad haven’t exactly been parents of the year when it comes to you but lots of other people talk to you.”
“Who Dean? Who talks to me?”
“Well, I-I, people at school talk to you, I’m sure, you know the teacher, and others kids they have to talk to you sometimes.”
“No Dean, no one at school talks to me because I don’t go to school.”
“What the hell are you talking about?! Of course you go to school! I drop you off and pick you up everyday, I have since your first day of kindergarten.” Dean couldn’t do this, he couldn’t, Sam needed to stop, he needed to stop right now. Dean felt that tug against his mind again and shut his eyes against it, everything would be fine.
“No Dean, you drop me off and I stand on the curb and wave until you drive or walk away and I stand there until I’m sure you aren’t coming back and then I come back here, I come up to your room and I sit on your bed until it’s time for you to pick me up again. I always make sure I’m at that same curb waiting for you and most of the time the smile I’m wearing is genuine because for the first time since you dropped me off someone can see me again.” Sam took a deep breath, he was still being cryptic but he really needed Dean to be the one to come to this realization, it would be better for the both of them in the end.
Castiel listened to the brother’s exchange and again berated himself for letting something like this slip through the cracks. The fact that Sam had been left here for so long was one of heavens biggest oversights in several millennia. It shouldn’t have had to end this way for the brothers and Castiel felt a twinge of something that humans call regret.
Dean shot off the bed and started pacing, his mind going a mile a minute and his heart pounding. That achy feeling he used to get in his chest when Sammy would scream as a baby and his parents wouldn’t go to him, that feeling was back, but more intense than it had ever been. He looked at the man, Castiel, and the sympathy he saw in those blue eyes almost brought Dean to his knees…no, just no.
“I don’t know what the hell you are talking about Sam. None of this makes any goddamn sense. You’re telling me that you don’t go to school, that you never have, because no one talks to you? What the hell does that even mean?” Dean didn’t want the answer to any of those questions because that tugging on his mind was becoming more insistent and he couldn’t seem to stomp it down this time, no matter how hard he tried, and he was terrified of what was on the other side of that wall he had built.
Sam watched his brother pace and fight some kind of internal battle and he fought back tears so hard he was almost choking on them. He didn’t want to do this to Dean, he didn’t want to leave Dean, but he wasn’t left with any other choice. Castiel had made it pretty clear to him earlier, and after Sam had finished having a heart attack at Castiels sudden appearance out of nowhere, what the angel had to say made a lot of sense. Not to mention that for the first time in his life, that he can remember, someone other than Dean could see and hear him. It was almost a religious experience, and the irony of that wasn’t lost on Sam.
“Dean I need you to look at me man, please.”
Dean stopped dead in his tracks and looked over at Sam and the look he saw on his baby brother’s face almost broke him. What he saw reflected in Sammy’s eyes was grief and goodbye. He couldn’t do this, he wouldn’t, and just like that something snapped taking him from panicked to furious. He rounded on Castiel and slammed him against the wall. “This is all your fault! What kind of man sneaks into a teenage boys room and starts spouting crap about being an angel of the lord or whatever bullshit it is you were spewing! You do not get to take my brother from me do you understand! No one touches Sammy! Ever!” Dean practically spat the words in Castiels face and never once let up the grip he had on the man’s coat.
Castiel allowed Dean to manhandle him, knowing on some fundamental level how hard this must be on him. If only this were the only blow Castiel had to deal the human today, but it wasn’t. Losing Sam would merely be the catalyst needed for Dean to walk the path destiny had set out for him. “Dean I am sorry, truly I am, but there is nothing I can do to prevent these events from unfolding.”
Castiel turned to Sam and saw the boy struggling not to break down as well, perhaps some intervention on his part would be helpful after all. “Samuel, may I have your permission to show your brother the truth.”
Dean slammed Castiel into the wall once more for good measure then turned back to his brother. “What the hell does he mean show me the truth? Sammy, please I can’t—I-I just please, please Sammy.” Dean’s voice broke as the tears he had been fighting finally broke free.
Sam was across the room and pulling Dean into a hug as soon as he saw that first tear fall. Dean had been taking care of him his whole life and now it was his turn to be there for Dean. He looked over his brothers shoulder at Castiel and gave a tiny nod in answer to his previous question. Sam wasn’t sure this was the best way to show his brother the truth but he was quickly realizing that he couldn’t be the one to break Dean’s heart, not directly anyway.
Castiel approached the brothers and just before he laid his hand to Dean’s head he heard Sam whisper,”I am so sorry Dean, so so sorry.” Before Dean even had a chance to tense in Sam’s arms Castiel placed his hand atop Dean’s head and closed his eyes in concentration.
One minute Dean was hugging Sammy and the next he was being assaulted by terrible images. He was in baby Sammy’s nursery and his mom was screaming, then there were strange people and soft mutterings of “there was nothing you could have done, you couldn’t have known, I am so sorry for your loss.” No, no, no, Dean wasn’t here, this wasn’t happening. He had to get out of here and get back to Sammy.
Dean turned to flee the scene before him but found himself blocked by the angel in the trench coat.
“I am sorry Dean but you have to see this, you have to confront the truth that you already know deep down.”
“Don’t you tell me what I have to do! Now move! I need to get back to my brother.” Dean went to push past him but Castiel was like a brick wall, the harder he pushed the more unmovable the angel seemed to become. “Please Castiel, don’t make me do this, I’m begging you.”
“I wish I could grant you that wish Dean, I truly do, but this is something you have to face.” Castiel reached out and placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I will speed things up a bit for you since you already know why we are here.”
The nursery melted away around them and it became an unending barrage of images and sounds. Dean can see himself setting a place for Sammy at the dinner table because his parents never did and he never questioned it. He can see Sammy sitting next to him plain as day but this time he notices that Sam doesn’t touch his food, never lifts his fork off the table, and no one looks at him or talks to him the entire time. He sees countless family dinners like this fly by him.
Next he is standing in his and Sammy’s room and it looks normal until Sammy’s bed starts to flicker and then disappear. The whole room shifts and groans and every trace of Sam is gone. Instead he sees his own bed shoved into the corner of his room with all his posters and personal affects carefully placed around it without crossing the middle of the room. While the opposite side is bereft of any personal belongings. No trace of Sam anywhere.
The scene swirls around them and he hears voices as if through a tunnel, the voices belong to his mom and dad, they are talking about taking Dean to a psychologist. Castiel steps into his line of vision then and the voices stop.
“When you heard your parents talking that night about taking you to get help you realized you had to stop talking about your brother. You knew that if your parents took you to see a doctor you would lose Samuel and that the only way to keep him was to keep him a secret. You became so good at your new game that you were even able to fool yourself.” Castiel held his hand out to Dean, “There is one more stop we need to make but before we go, Samuel wants to talk to you.”
Dean reached out for the angels hand only because he promised to take him to Sam. He knew what was happening and the only thing keeping him from shattering into a million pieces was shock. He had to talk to Sammy. As soon as Dean touched Castiels hand the world swirled and twisted once again and he found himself standing outside, a bright beautiful day, and Sammy stood in front of him.
Instantly Sam moved forward and hugged Dean but he kept this one brief, pulling back so he could look Dean in the eye. Taking a deep breath Sam began to talk, “I always kinda knew, ya know? I mean I didn’t really understand it until later but I always knew I was different. I think the epiphany moment was my first day of school. You dropped me off and I refused to let you walk me to class because I was afraid no one would look at me and I didn’t want you to see that. I had already noticed that you were the only one that seemed to see me and you were certainly the only one that ever wanted to talk to me.”
Sam paused a minute to try to reign in his emotions, this next part was going to be the hardest, this was the moment of truth. “I walked toward my class with my new Ninja Turtles backpack that you had gotten me and I prayed with everything I had in me that when I walked in kids would come up to me and say hi, that the teacher would welcome me to class and show me my desk, but none of that happened. I stood in the middle of the room while all the other kids were being helped to put their things away in their cubbies. So I thought maybe the teacher was just to busy to help me and I went over to the cubbies, they had all the kids names on them, so I looked for mine and I couldn’t find it. I knew how to spell my name because you had taught me, I looked and looked but it wasn’t there. I tried so hard not to cry, maybe the teacher just forgot. So I walked over to an empty desk in the back of the class and I waited patiently for class to start, just like you taught me. Then, well then the teacher called roll and I knew my name would be close to last cause you had taught me that too, our last name started with ‘W’ so I had to patient when the teacher was calling roll. She got to the end and she never said my name. She never said it, Dean.”
Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed, hard, “Please stop Sammy, please I can’t—I can’t do this please.” Dean felt the numbness of shock starting to wear off and that scratching, tugging feeling was back, only this time it was trying to scratch his heart right out of his chest. “Everything will be ok Sammy, as long as we have each other. Remember?”
Sam couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, this was killing him, but it had to be done. “Of course I remember, but I don’t think everything is going to be ok this time Dean. I wish it could be, I wish more than anything that it could be.”
Steadying himself Sam carried on, “The teacher never called my name and I finally broke down. Everything I had feared was coming true. I ran to each and every desk in that classroom and I stuck my hand under every nose of every child and said ‘Hi, I’m Sam’ just like you taught me, not one of them looked up. No one heard me and no one saw me. I ran out the door and kept running until I found myself in the park by our house, this park in fact.” Sam turned toward a tree across the way from them and nudged Dean making him look up.
When Dean looked up he wished to hell he hadn’t. There, sitting under a tree completely curled up on himself, was his baby brother, Sammy, just as he had been that first day of school, and he was sobbing. Deep, rattling, soul wrenching sobs that no five year old should ever emit, his little brother was alone, his heart breaking, and Dean never knew.
“I-I’m so sorry Sammy. God, I failed you.”
“No, Dean no, you didn’t fail me. If you hadn’t been there, if you hadn’t chosen to love me, I don’t know what I would have become.”
Castiel appeared beside Dean and gently reached out to him, tearing his attention away from the vision of five year old Sammy. “Dean, if you hadn’t been there for your brother then he would have been completely alone in this world. He would have never known touch or love as a baby, and he would have been consumed by hurt. That hurt would have become anger and that anger would have turned him into a vengeful force. I know you don’t understand much about the supernatural but one day you will, and you will see that what you did for your brother is far from failure.”
Sam looked up at Castiel and knew they couldn’t put off the last stop any longer. His heart gave a painful lurch, “Dean, there is one place that Castiel has to take you. I’ve been there once, not long after my first day of school actually, but I can’t go with you now. There are things that Castiel has to talk to you about, things he has to explain that I can’t know about.”
Dean closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotion, hoping he could just block this whole day out. What Castiel had said to him, about not having failed his brother, that was what he would cling to in order to face the final stop on this journey through his own personal hell.
Opening his eyes he looked at his brother and saw his pain reflected back in Sammy’s eyes. “You’ll be waiting when I get back right? You-you won’t leave yet?”
“Yeah Dean, I’ll be there when you get back. This isn’t goodbye, not yet.”
‘Not yet’ was like a punch to Dean’s gut, goodbye was coming, and it was coming soon. Standing with some assistance from his brother Dean turned to Castiel. “Alright Wings, let’s do this.”
“Wings? I don’t understand…”
“It’s a nickname, it’s my way of trying to deal with all this shit while letting you know I don’t think you are a complete ass ok.”
“Uh sure, yes, that makes perfect sense?” Castiel didn’t understand humans but he knew he liked the two currently in his company. Without saying another word he reached out to Dean and brought them to their final destination.
Once everything came back into focus and Dean saw where they were, when he looked down and realized what he was at his feet, his knees gave out. Collapsing in front of the stone he reached out and numbly traced the letters.
SAM WINCHESTER
MAY 2 ,1983 - NOVEMBER 15, 1983
BELOVED SON AND BROTHER
“I remember the night he died.”
Castiel waited for Dean to continue, understanding that in situations like these humans needed to come to their own realizations in their own time.
Dean felt simultaneously numb and crippled with pain. He had always known that Sammy had died, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew, but Sam was always there, he never left, and he needed someone to take care of him. So, Dean had pushed it away, had pretended it had never happened and became whatever his brother needed him to be.
“They said it was SIDS, ya know, sudden infant death syndrome. Nothing anyone could have done or at least that’s what they all said.” Dean looked up at the sky then over at Castiel not really seeing him, not really seeing anything, a world without his little brother wasn’t a world worth seeing.
Castiel let the silence linger between them. In all honesty, he didn’t quite know how to deal with human emotions. He had never felt grief nor had he ever felt love, not like humans felt it. “Dean, what happened to Sam in an anomaly. Normally when babies die their souls are collected right away and taken to heaven where they are held in a kind of stasis until their families join them. At first I thought this was an oversight but now I see that it may have been part of my Father’s plan all along.”
Castiel had meant his words to be comforting but judging by the enraged look on Dean’s face they were anything but.
Dean charged at the angel, “Part of his plan?! Part of his goddamned plan?! Tell me, was it his plan to rip my heart out? To isolate Sammy? To keep Sammy from ever experiencing love and comfort from his own damn parents? Was that a part of your fathers plan?! Cause he can shove his plan up his ass! I don’t want any part of his damn plan.”
Castiel stepped away from Dean and circled behind him toward the grave marker. He stared down at Samuel’s name carved in stone, “If you had never loved Sam, if he had never loved you, then you would never have been willing to walk the path you are destined to walk. The way you cared for Sam, the way you loved him, selflessly, never wanting anything in return, that will save the world one day. You will be willing to sacrifice everything because Sam taught you that there are things in this world bigger than yourself, and once you fulfill that destiny you will be with Sam again.”
Dean didn’t understand half of what the angel just said but he clung to the last bit with everything in him. “I will see Sam again?”
“Yes, it will be years from now but not as long as you might think. I promise you Dean, you and Sam will be together again, this isn’t goodbye forever.”
Dean glanced toward his brothers grave one more time then steeled himself for one last heart break. “Get me out of here. Take me back to Sam.”
“As you wish.”
Dean didn’t even see the angel move this time, one minute he was standing in the graveyard and the next he is back in his room, Sam still hugging him.
“Dean?”
Dean looked up at his brother and tried his best at a smile, Sammy needed him to be strong for him, for the both of them. “Heya Sammy.”
“I’m so sorry I never told you. I just didn’t know how.”
“It’s ok little brother, I wouldn’t have believed you anyway.”
Sam chuckled a bit at that, Dean was trying to make this ok for him, for both of them, and Sam didn’t think he had ever loved him more.
“So Castiel says I have some big world saving destiny ahead of me which I could give a crap about but you know what else he said Sammy? He said that once I’m done being heavens monkey boy I get to see you again.”
“Really?!” Sam had always hoped he would get to see Dean again but he had no reassurances on the matter. He looked to Castiel now for conformation.
“Yes Samuel, once Dean had fulfilled his destiny you two will have all of heaven to share, that I promise you.”
Sam felt himself smile for the first time since this whole horrible day started. “I don’t know what to say. Thank you! Thank you so much.”
“You both have earned your right to happiness you do not owe thanks to anyone.” Castiel hated this, he hated all of it, the things Dean would have to face in the future would be terrible but he couldn’t let himself doubt his Father’s plan.
“So I guess this is goodbye for now little brother but don’t go thinking that you are getting rid of me for long.” Dean had to be strong, he had to make this as easy as possible for his brother, taking care of Sammy was his job.
“Shut up jerk.” Sam beamed at Dean knowing he understood the meaning behind those words.
“Make me bitch.” Dean smiled back, wobbly and watery as it was, it did the trick because Sammy was moving forward and wrapping him in a fierce hug.
“Don’t keep me waiting too long big brother.” Sam whispered as he clung to Dean.
“I won’t I promise. You take care of yourself up there ya hear, promise me.”
“I promise.”
Dean stepped back from Sam and turned to Castiel, “I am holding you personally responsible for his well-being. If I get up there and notice even a hair out of place on his head I’m coming for you. Capiche?”
“I think so, yes, I will make sure that Samuel is comfortable and looked after until your arrival.”
Satisfied for now Dean turned back to his brother, “Well I don’t think this is a trip you have to pack for so I guess this is it huh?”
“Yeah I think so.” Sam looked toward Castiel then back to his brother, “I don’t want to go.” Sam hiccuped as tears started to stream down his face.
Dean was at his brothers side in the blink of an eye. “Hey, hey Sammy it’s ok, I promise everything is going to be ok. I know I can’t be there but Castiel will look out for you until I can be and it will seem like no time at all I promise. You deserve to be somewhere where everyone can see you. Where everyone can get to know what an amazing person you are and how lucky I am to have you as my brother.”
Castiel approached the brothers reluctantly but time was running out. “I am sorry Samuel but it’s time to go.”
Dean instinctively clutched Sammy tighter at those words but forced himself to let go and step back. “Kind of like a re-do on that first day of school right Sammy? Now you can introduce yourself to people, just like I taught you, and they will look at you this time. This time you will get to make friends.” Dean’s voice caught a little at the end there but the meaning was clear, he wanted Sam to be happy and this was his chance.
Sam chuckled a little at that, “Don’t still have that Ninja Turtle backpack laying around anywhere do we?”
Dean barked a laugh at that, “Naw I think you tossed it around age ten when you decided you were too cool for little kid stuff like that. Now come here and give your brother one more hug before this emotional display gets anymore embarrassing.”
Sam and Dean clung to each other and time lost all meaning, they could have been hugging for seconds or hours but however long it was it would never be long enough.
Sam squeezed his eyes shut and whispered in Dean’s ear one last time. “Goodbye Dean.”
At Sam’s words Dean tried to pull him in a little tighter but was suddenly grasping at air. He whirled around in a panic looking for any sign of his brother or the angel. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that! Castiel wasn’t just supposed to take Sammy away without a word.
What was he supposed to do now? How did he even make sense without Sam?
Dean slowly made his way to his bed and collapsed down onto it. He curled up on himself and tried to breathe but every breath hurt. Was this what it was going to be like without his brother? The tears he had been holding back all day hit him full force and his body wracked with sobs. Everything hurt. Dean whimpered the only word that had ever meant anything to him as he tried to hold onto whatever was left of himself.
“Sammy.”
There was no answer.
END
Recipient:
lotrspnfangirlRating: PG
Word Count: 7,203
Warnings: None
Summary: There is no Dean without Sam or Sam without Dean.
Dean was startled awake by a piercing scream, for a moment he panicked, thinking someone was hurt, then he remembered where he was and that this was a nightly occurrence. Just like every night he waited to see if his parents would answer those little wails but as usual no one stirred. It killed him to wait, not to immediately jump up and run to his little brother, but it killed him more to know that he was the only one who would. He was just a little kid himself, he didn’t understand a lot of things, but he did understand that moms and dads were supposed to take care of their kids. His mom and dad had done that for him, still did, whenever he cried or needed something they were there for him, but when his little brother cried it was like they couldn't even hear him.
Dean threw the covers off and swung his little legs over the side of the bed. Jumping down he hurried to his little brothers room in the dark, knowing the way by memory, and pushed the door open. The cries seemed to get louder, as if his little brother knew that Dean was there and wanted him to move faster. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with a chubby little fist, Dean reached up and flipped the light on. He could see his little brother in his crib, face bright red, curled up on himself as he continued to scream and cry. It lit an urgency in Dean and he quickly went to the crib, grabbed his step stool, and lowered the side.
Looking down at his little brother his heart broke a bit more, he didn’t think that was possible anymore, for that achy feeling in his chest to get any worse, but it did, every time. Climbing into the crib Dean wrapped his arms around the squirming baby, “Shh Sammy, it’s ok, I’m here, it’s ok.”
Baby Sammy looked up at his brother and started to quiet, his screams turning to hiccups as he snuggled closer to the only love and safety he had ever known. Dean pulled his little brother closer and rubbed his hand up and down his back in a soothing gesture.
“Don’t worry Sammy it will be ok, you’ll see, it’s ok.” Dean kept rubbing Sammy’s back while he thought of all the reasons that could have caused his brother to cry. He reached down and checked his diaper noticing that it was wet. “Need a diaper change little guy?” Sammy looked up at him with huge watery eyes that made that achy feeling in Dean’s chest intensify. Dean started to roll away to go get a clean diaper but was stopped when Sammy reached out with a tiny little hand and gently touched Dean’s face. Dean placed his hand on top of Sammy’s baby hand, “I gotcha Sammy, everything will be fine I promise.”
Sammy cooed and started kicking his little feet causing Dean to chuckle and wipe away the moisture that had gathered in his eyes. Everything really would be ok as long as they had each other.
~~~~
The years passed and nothing seemed to change, it only got worse in fact, not only did his parents never respond when Sammy cried, or walked for the first time, or said his first word, but every time Dean would run excitedly to his mom and dad to tell them about it his mom would start crying and his dad would yell at him. None of it made any sense to Dean but it only made him more resolved to be anything and everything in the world to his little brother. He never forgot the promises he made to baby Sammy, cuddled up in the middle of the night, he would take care of his little brother no matter what.
“Dean?” Sammy tugged on Dean’s shirt pulling him out of his contemplation.
Dean looked down at his brother and couldn’t help but smile, his goofy kid was standing there in his Superman pajamas, hair sticking up every which way and shuffling his feet nervously. “What’s up kiddo?”
“Do I hafta go to my first day of school? Couldn’t I just stay home like always and wait for you to get home?” Sammy really didn’t want to go to school but he couldn’t tell Dean the real reason. He wasn’t scared or anything, he just knew he would be better off at home. The only person that ever really looked at him and saw him was Dean. Everyone else just kind of looked past him.
“Ah come on Sammy you’ll love school! It’s something that only big kids get to do, it will be fun I promise. You’ll get to make new friends, learn all your shapes and numbers and letters, and you’ll be in the same school as me it will be great, you’ll see.” Dean knew his brother was nervous about his first day but he had been too and while he wasn’t a huge fan of school it wasn’t so bad in the end.
“But Dean I already know all my shapes and numbers and letters you taught me ‘member? Why can’t you just keep teaching me all the stuff I need to know? You’re the best teacher ever! Way better than some smelly old adult that’s gonna try to tell me what to do all the time.” Sammy turned his sad eyes on full power and threw in some epic pout for effect, hoping to sway his big brother.
“No can do kiddo, you have to go to school and bring home all your gold stars to hang in our room. Besides, one day you’ll get tired of always hanging out with your big brother and you’ll want some friends of your own, school is a great place to meet some, you’ll love it Sammy and I’ll be there if you get scared.” Dean reached down and pulled Sammy into a hug trying to put some reassurance behind his words.
Sammy snuggled closer and tried not to cry, he had to be strong for Dean because Dean was always strong for him. If going to school and pretending he loved it was going to make Dean happy then that’s what he would do, no matter how much it hurt him, Dean was more important. His brother had sacrificed everything for him and he knew that, even at the age of five, he knew that he owed everything to Dean and he would’t let him down. “Ok Dean, I will try really hard and make you proud of me, promise.”
Dean pulled back to look into his brother’s eyes, “Sammy I am always proud of you, no matter what, always remember that.”
“I know Dean.” Sammy pulled out of his brothers arms and straightened his shoulders standing tall and proud, taking a deep breath he grabbed onto Dean’s hand, “Now help me get dressed so we can go already,” he said while pulling his brother toward their room.
Dean chuckled as he followed Sammy, everything was going to be ok as long as they had each other, that would never change.
~~~~~
Sammy stood and waited patiently for Dean to pull up in the Impala and take him home. He hated this, it was so hard to keep pretending but he couldn’t tell Dean the truth, it would destroy him. He still didn’t understand the whole truth himself, none of it made sense, it never had. As he watched all the other kids pass by he felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, he would never have that, he would never know what it felt like to be normal, but he had Dean and that was enough. Just as his thoughts were getting a bit too morose Dean pulled up and leaned over to open the door for Sam.
“Heya Sammy, have a good day nerding out with the rest of the dweebs?” Dean softened his words by reaching out and gently ruffling Sammy’s hair before pulling away from the curb.
“Yeah, sure Dean, you know how much I love never fitting in with anyone.” Sam hated to be so self pitying, and he knew how much Dean wanted him to be happy, but it was getting harder and harder everyday. Dean always used to say that as long as they had each other nothing else mattered but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Dean had friends, and mom, and dad, and even a girlfriend here and there, Sam only had Dean. As much as Sam loved his brother he couldn’t stop himself from longing for more connections, for something that was just his. Dean was his, even if he had to share, and he tried to be content with that, he loved his brother more than anything, that’s what this was all about after all.
Dean glanced at his brother as he drove and noticed the downturned slant of his mouth, the slumped shoulders with knees drawn up a bit as if he was trying to curl up on himself. Sammy had been getting more and more withdrawn the older he got and Dean just couldn’t understand why, Sammy was a fun kid, he was smart and generous, he should have friends and girls hanging off of him. Thing was though, he didn’t, Dean can’t remember a single friend coming over when Sam was younger for a playdate or sleep over and…and that tugged at something in Dean that made him immediately abandon that train of thought and focus instead on cheering Sammy up.
“Wanna go see that new SciFi movie you were geeking out over last week? What was it called? Species or some shit like that?” When he got a weak shrug in response Dean reached over and hauled Sammy against him attempting to one arm noogie him, “Come on Sammy! Aliens! You love that Alien shit! It will be fun, what do ya say?”
Sam was trying so hard not to crack a smile but Dean always made him feel better and almost against his will a huge smile broke out over his face as he shoved Dean off him, “Yeah, whatever Jerk, just stop manhandling me ya freakin caveman.” Sam tried for a serious face but couldn’t contain his laughter at the faux affronted look on Dean’s face.
“Yeah, whatever Bitch, you love me.”
Sam really did.
~~~~~~
Dean was trying not to panic, maybe Sam finally made a friend and decided to walk home with them, just because this was the first time since Sam started school that he wasn’t waiting for Dean to pick him up didn’t mean anything was wrong. He almost called his parents in his panic to see if they had picked Sam up but a sharp pain shot through his heart, that place inside of him tugged at his mind again, and he shut it all down…the only important thing was finding Sammy and making sure he was safe.
After checking the whole neighborhood Dean whipped the car into their driveway and slammed it into park. “Sorry Baby but there are more pressing matters,” he muttered in apology for his rough treatment of the car.
Dean tore through the front door and ran up the stairs shouting his brother’s name, “Sam! Sammy! You here?!”
“In here Dean.”
Instant relief flooded Dean when he heard his brother’s voice coming out of their room but something in his tone didn’t sound right, he almost sounded scared, or sad, something was definitely wrong. He slowed his steps and tuned all his senses on the closed door to their room. He couldn’t hear anything that indicated something was amiss but that didn’t mean it wasn’t.
Dean slowly pushed the door open and glanced in seeing Sammy sitting on the edge of his bed, shoulders tense and back ram rod straight. Dean’s heart started pounding in his chest and something started tugging at his mind again, what the hell was happening? “Sammy? What’s going on? Why didn’t you wait for me to pick you up?”
“I think I would be the best person to explain Samuel"s absence.”
The deep baritone voice made Dean jump and spin on his heel to face the intruder. Dean quickly assessed the threat, he didn’t look like much, trench coat was a little strange considering it was June. “Who the hell are you?! Why are you in our room?! What are you doing with my brother?!” Dean shouted rapid fire as he placed himself between the stranger and Sam. A light touch on his shoulder made him turn his head to glance at Sam who was now on his feet looking at Dean with such sadness that if Dean thought he had been scared before it was nothing compared to how terrified he felt now.
“Sammy?”
Sam stepped in front of Dean, putting his back to the stranger, which caused Dean to glare a warning at the man before turning his attention to his brother. “Sam who is this guy? He is way to old to be a friend from school so what the hell is he doing in our room?”
Sam shut his eyes for a minute trying to compose himself, he always knew something like this was coming, something that would force him to tell Dean the truth, force Dean to face a truth he had buried years ago. “This is Castiel, he’s here to help me, I know this looks weird but you have to trust me and hear us out ok?”
“Castiel? Castiel? What the hell kind of name is that?” Dean’s head was starting to hurt, the room begun to spin a little, it was like there was something scratching at his mind and heart and if he let this go on those scratches would tear him up inside.
“I am an Angel of the Lord.” Castiel said as he stood a little taller and straightened his trench coat.
Sam spun toward Castiel, “That is not helping! Who the hell just goes around saying things like that right off the bat? Seriously? You ever hear of easing people into things?” Sam shook his head in frustration and turned back to his brother with a sigh. “So yeah, there’s that, he really is an angel and before you say anything please let me get through this.” God, he didn’t even know where to start. How was he going to tell Dean he had to leave him?
Dean looked up at Sam and started to feel tendrils of panic whip at his heart, “Sammy?” He wished he could be more eloquent but all his love, panic, and confusion was wrapped up in that one word. Sam seemed to understand because he felt Sammy take his hand and walk him to the bed to sit down. Sam stood in front of him for a minute as though unsure how to proceed and started shuffling his feet; suddenly all Dean could see was lil Sammy in his Superman pajamas shuffling his feet just like that because he was nervous about starting school. He reached up and pulled Sam down next to him, his big brother instincts kicking in, “Whatever it is Sammy we can get through it, we can get through anything together you know that.”
Sam’s vision blurred with tears at his brother’s words and he looked to Castiel who merely nodded at him clearly signaling that Sam had to be the one to break this news to Dean. Stealing himself against the pain growing in his heart he wiped the tears away and looked at Dean.
“Dean, what I have to tell you isn’t going to be easy for you to hear but it’s something you’ve always known. It’s something you have pushed away for years because it was too painful to acknowledge and maybe I shouldn’t have allowed it to go on as long as I have but you have to believe that I need you as much as you need me, probably more.” Sam paused and searched his brother’s face for any sign of recognition, for a sign that maybe he didn’t have to spell it out for Dean but there was only panic and confusion looking back at him. “Dean, when was the last time anyone other than you talked to me?”
Oh god, Dean couldn’t do this, not this please, anything but…he stamped it down, made his mind tune everything but Sammy out, “What the hell are you talking about? I know Mom and Dad haven’t exactly been parents of the year when it comes to you but lots of other people talk to you.”
“Who Dean? Who talks to me?”
“Well, I-I, people at school talk to you, I’m sure, you know the teacher, and others kids they have to talk to you sometimes.”
“No Dean, no one at school talks to me because I don’t go to school.”
“What the hell are you talking about?! Of course you go to school! I drop you off and pick you up everyday, I have since your first day of kindergarten.” Dean couldn’t do this, he couldn’t, Sam needed to stop, he needed to stop right now. Dean felt that tug against his mind again and shut his eyes against it, everything would be fine.
“No Dean, you drop me off and I stand on the curb and wave until you drive or walk away and I stand there until I’m sure you aren’t coming back and then I come back here, I come up to your room and I sit on your bed until it’s time for you to pick me up again. I always make sure I’m at that same curb waiting for you and most of the time the smile I’m wearing is genuine because for the first time since you dropped me off someone can see me again.” Sam took a deep breath, he was still being cryptic but he really needed Dean to be the one to come to this realization, it would be better for the both of them in the end.
Castiel listened to the brother’s exchange and again berated himself for letting something like this slip through the cracks. The fact that Sam had been left here for so long was one of heavens biggest oversights in several millennia. It shouldn’t have had to end this way for the brothers and Castiel felt a twinge of something that humans call regret.
Dean shot off the bed and started pacing, his mind going a mile a minute and his heart pounding. That achy feeling he used to get in his chest when Sammy would scream as a baby and his parents wouldn’t go to him, that feeling was back, but more intense than it had ever been. He looked at the man, Castiel, and the sympathy he saw in those blue eyes almost brought Dean to his knees…no, just no.
“I don’t know what the hell you are talking about Sam. None of this makes any goddamn sense. You’re telling me that you don’t go to school, that you never have, because no one talks to you? What the hell does that even mean?” Dean didn’t want the answer to any of those questions because that tugging on his mind was becoming more insistent and he couldn’t seem to stomp it down this time, no matter how hard he tried, and he was terrified of what was on the other side of that wall he had built.
Sam watched his brother pace and fight some kind of internal battle and he fought back tears so hard he was almost choking on them. He didn’t want to do this to Dean, he didn’t want to leave Dean, but he wasn’t left with any other choice. Castiel had made it pretty clear to him earlier, and after Sam had finished having a heart attack at Castiels sudden appearance out of nowhere, what the angel had to say made a lot of sense. Not to mention that for the first time in his life, that he can remember, someone other than Dean could see and hear him. It was almost a religious experience, and the irony of that wasn’t lost on Sam.
“Dean I need you to look at me man, please.”
Dean stopped dead in his tracks and looked over at Sam and the look he saw on his baby brother’s face almost broke him. What he saw reflected in Sammy’s eyes was grief and goodbye. He couldn’t do this, he wouldn’t, and just like that something snapped taking him from panicked to furious. He rounded on Castiel and slammed him against the wall. “This is all your fault! What kind of man sneaks into a teenage boys room and starts spouting crap about being an angel of the lord or whatever bullshit it is you were spewing! You do not get to take my brother from me do you understand! No one touches Sammy! Ever!” Dean practically spat the words in Castiels face and never once let up the grip he had on the man’s coat.
Castiel allowed Dean to manhandle him, knowing on some fundamental level how hard this must be on him. If only this were the only blow Castiel had to deal the human today, but it wasn’t. Losing Sam would merely be the catalyst needed for Dean to walk the path destiny had set out for him. “Dean I am sorry, truly I am, but there is nothing I can do to prevent these events from unfolding.”
Castiel turned to Sam and saw the boy struggling not to break down as well, perhaps some intervention on his part would be helpful after all. “Samuel, may I have your permission to show your brother the truth.”
Dean slammed Castiel into the wall once more for good measure then turned back to his brother. “What the hell does he mean show me the truth? Sammy, please I can’t—I-I just please, please Sammy.” Dean’s voice broke as the tears he had been fighting finally broke free.
Sam was across the room and pulling Dean into a hug as soon as he saw that first tear fall. Dean had been taking care of him his whole life and now it was his turn to be there for Dean. He looked over his brothers shoulder at Castiel and gave a tiny nod in answer to his previous question. Sam wasn’t sure this was the best way to show his brother the truth but he was quickly realizing that he couldn’t be the one to break Dean’s heart, not directly anyway.
Castiel approached the brothers and just before he laid his hand to Dean’s head he heard Sam whisper,”I am so sorry Dean, so so sorry.” Before Dean even had a chance to tense in Sam’s arms Castiel placed his hand atop Dean’s head and closed his eyes in concentration.
One minute Dean was hugging Sammy and the next he was being assaulted by terrible images. He was in baby Sammy’s nursery and his mom was screaming, then there were strange people and soft mutterings of “there was nothing you could have done, you couldn’t have known, I am so sorry for your loss.” No, no, no, Dean wasn’t here, this wasn’t happening. He had to get out of here and get back to Sammy.
Dean turned to flee the scene before him but found himself blocked by the angel in the trench coat.
“I am sorry Dean but you have to see this, you have to confront the truth that you already know deep down.”
“Don’t you tell me what I have to do! Now move! I need to get back to my brother.” Dean went to push past him but Castiel was like a brick wall, the harder he pushed the more unmovable the angel seemed to become. “Please Castiel, don’t make me do this, I’m begging you.”
“I wish I could grant you that wish Dean, I truly do, but this is something you have to face.” Castiel reached out and placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I will speed things up a bit for you since you already know why we are here.”
The nursery melted away around them and it became an unending barrage of images and sounds. Dean can see himself setting a place for Sammy at the dinner table because his parents never did and he never questioned it. He can see Sammy sitting next to him plain as day but this time he notices that Sam doesn’t touch his food, never lifts his fork off the table, and no one looks at him or talks to him the entire time. He sees countless family dinners like this fly by him.
Next he is standing in his and Sammy’s room and it looks normal until Sammy’s bed starts to flicker and then disappear. The whole room shifts and groans and every trace of Sam is gone. Instead he sees his own bed shoved into the corner of his room with all his posters and personal affects carefully placed around it without crossing the middle of the room. While the opposite side is bereft of any personal belongings. No trace of Sam anywhere.
The scene swirls around them and he hears voices as if through a tunnel, the voices belong to his mom and dad, they are talking about taking Dean to a psychologist. Castiel steps into his line of vision then and the voices stop.
“When you heard your parents talking that night about taking you to get help you realized you had to stop talking about your brother. You knew that if your parents took you to see a doctor you would lose Samuel and that the only way to keep him was to keep him a secret. You became so good at your new game that you were even able to fool yourself.” Castiel held his hand out to Dean, “There is one more stop we need to make but before we go, Samuel wants to talk to you.”
Dean reached out for the angels hand only because he promised to take him to Sam. He knew what was happening and the only thing keeping him from shattering into a million pieces was shock. He had to talk to Sammy. As soon as Dean touched Castiels hand the world swirled and twisted once again and he found himself standing outside, a bright beautiful day, and Sammy stood in front of him.
Instantly Sam moved forward and hugged Dean but he kept this one brief, pulling back so he could look Dean in the eye. Taking a deep breath Sam began to talk, “I always kinda knew, ya know? I mean I didn’t really understand it until later but I always knew I was different. I think the epiphany moment was my first day of school. You dropped me off and I refused to let you walk me to class because I was afraid no one would look at me and I didn’t want you to see that. I had already noticed that you were the only one that seemed to see me and you were certainly the only one that ever wanted to talk to me.”
Sam paused a minute to try to reign in his emotions, this next part was going to be the hardest, this was the moment of truth. “I walked toward my class with my new Ninja Turtles backpack that you had gotten me and I prayed with everything I had in me that when I walked in kids would come up to me and say hi, that the teacher would welcome me to class and show me my desk, but none of that happened. I stood in the middle of the room while all the other kids were being helped to put their things away in their cubbies. So I thought maybe the teacher was just to busy to help me and I went over to the cubbies, they had all the kids names on them, so I looked for mine and I couldn’t find it. I knew how to spell my name because you had taught me, I looked and looked but it wasn’t there. I tried so hard not to cry, maybe the teacher just forgot. So I walked over to an empty desk in the back of the class and I waited patiently for class to start, just like you taught me. Then, well then the teacher called roll and I knew my name would be close to last cause you had taught me that too, our last name started with ‘W’ so I had to patient when the teacher was calling roll. She got to the end and she never said my name. She never said it, Dean.”
Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed, hard, “Please stop Sammy, please I can’t—I can’t do this please.” Dean felt the numbness of shock starting to wear off and that scratching, tugging feeling was back, only this time it was trying to scratch his heart right out of his chest. “Everything will be ok Sammy, as long as we have each other. Remember?”
Sam couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, this was killing him, but it had to be done. “Of course I remember, but I don’t think everything is going to be ok this time Dean. I wish it could be, I wish more than anything that it could be.”
Steadying himself Sam carried on, “The teacher never called my name and I finally broke down. Everything I had feared was coming true. I ran to each and every desk in that classroom and I stuck my hand under every nose of every child and said ‘Hi, I’m Sam’ just like you taught me, not one of them looked up. No one heard me and no one saw me. I ran out the door and kept running until I found myself in the park by our house, this park in fact.” Sam turned toward a tree across the way from them and nudged Dean making him look up.
When Dean looked up he wished to hell he hadn’t. There, sitting under a tree completely curled up on himself, was his baby brother, Sammy, just as he had been that first day of school, and he was sobbing. Deep, rattling, soul wrenching sobs that no five year old should ever emit, his little brother was alone, his heart breaking, and Dean never knew.
“I-I’m so sorry Sammy. God, I failed you.”
“No, Dean no, you didn’t fail me. If you hadn’t been there, if you hadn’t chosen to love me, I don’t know what I would have become.”
Castiel appeared beside Dean and gently reached out to him, tearing his attention away from the vision of five year old Sammy. “Dean, if you hadn’t been there for your brother then he would have been completely alone in this world. He would have never known touch or love as a baby, and he would have been consumed by hurt. That hurt would have become anger and that anger would have turned him into a vengeful force. I know you don’t understand much about the supernatural but one day you will, and you will see that what you did for your brother is far from failure.”
Sam looked up at Castiel and knew they couldn’t put off the last stop any longer. His heart gave a painful lurch, “Dean, there is one place that Castiel has to take you. I’ve been there once, not long after my first day of school actually, but I can’t go with you now. There are things that Castiel has to talk to you about, things he has to explain that I can’t know about.”
Dean closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotion, hoping he could just block this whole day out. What Castiel had said to him, about not having failed his brother, that was what he would cling to in order to face the final stop on this journey through his own personal hell.
Opening his eyes he looked at his brother and saw his pain reflected back in Sammy’s eyes. “You’ll be waiting when I get back right? You-you won’t leave yet?”
“Yeah Dean, I’ll be there when you get back. This isn’t goodbye, not yet.”
‘Not yet’ was like a punch to Dean’s gut, goodbye was coming, and it was coming soon. Standing with some assistance from his brother Dean turned to Castiel. “Alright Wings, let’s do this.”
“Wings? I don’t understand…”
“It’s a nickname, it’s my way of trying to deal with all this shit while letting you know I don’t think you are a complete ass ok.”
“Uh sure, yes, that makes perfect sense?” Castiel didn’t understand humans but he knew he liked the two currently in his company. Without saying another word he reached out to Dean and brought them to their final destination.
Once everything came back into focus and Dean saw where they were, when he looked down and realized what he was at his feet, his knees gave out. Collapsing in front of the stone he reached out and numbly traced the letters.
SAM WINCHESTER
MAY 2 ,1983 - NOVEMBER 15, 1983
BELOVED SON AND BROTHER
“I remember the night he died.”
Castiel waited for Dean to continue, understanding that in situations like these humans needed to come to their own realizations in their own time.
Dean felt simultaneously numb and crippled with pain. He had always known that Sammy had died, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew, but Sam was always there, he never left, and he needed someone to take care of him. So, Dean had pushed it away, had pretended it had never happened and became whatever his brother needed him to be.
“They said it was SIDS, ya know, sudden infant death syndrome. Nothing anyone could have done or at least that’s what they all said.” Dean looked up at the sky then over at Castiel not really seeing him, not really seeing anything, a world without his little brother wasn’t a world worth seeing.
Castiel let the silence linger between them. In all honesty, he didn’t quite know how to deal with human emotions. He had never felt grief nor had he ever felt love, not like humans felt it. “Dean, what happened to Sam in an anomaly. Normally when babies die their souls are collected right away and taken to heaven where they are held in a kind of stasis until their families join them. At first I thought this was an oversight but now I see that it may have been part of my Father’s plan all along.”
Castiel had meant his words to be comforting but judging by the enraged look on Dean’s face they were anything but.
Dean charged at the angel, “Part of his plan?! Part of his goddamned plan?! Tell me, was it his plan to rip my heart out? To isolate Sammy? To keep Sammy from ever experiencing love and comfort from his own damn parents? Was that a part of your fathers plan?! Cause he can shove his plan up his ass! I don’t want any part of his damn plan.”
Castiel stepped away from Dean and circled behind him toward the grave marker. He stared down at Samuel’s name carved in stone, “If you had never loved Sam, if he had never loved you, then you would never have been willing to walk the path you are destined to walk. The way you cared for Sam, the way you loved him, selflessly, never wanting anything in return, that will save the world one day. You will be willing to sacrifice everything because Sam taught you that there are things in this world bigger than yourself, and once you fulfill that destiny you will be with Sam again.”
Dean didn’t understand half of what the angel just said but he clung to the last bit with everything in him. “I will see Sam again?”
“Yes, it will be years from now but not as long as you might think. I promise you Dean, you and Sam will be together again, this isn’t goodbye forever.”
Dean glanced toward his brothers grave one more time then steeled himself for one last heart break. “Get me out of here. Take me back to Sam.”
“As you wish.”
Dean didn’t even see the angel move this time, one minute he was standing in the graveyard and the next he is back in his room, Sam still hugging him.
“Dean?”
Dean looked up at his brother and tried his best at a smile, Sammy needed him to be strong for him, for the both of them. “Heya Sammy.”
“I’m so sorry I never told you. I just didn’t know how.”
“It’s ok little brother, I wouldn’t have believed you anyway.”
Sam chuckled a bit at that, Dean was trying to make this ok for him, for both of them, and Sam didn’t think he had ever loved him more.
“So Castiel says I have some big world saving destiny ahead of me which I could give a crap about but you know what else he said Sammy? He said that once I’m done being heavens monkey boy I get to see you again.”
“Really?!” Sam had always hoped he would get to see Dean again but he had no reassurances on the matter. He looked to Castiel now for conformation.
“Yes Samuel, once Dean had fulfilled his destiny you two will have all of heaven to share, that I promise you.”
Sam felt himself smile for the first time since this whole horrible day started. “I don’t know what to say. Thank you! Thank you so much.”
“You both have earned your right to happiness you do not owe thanks to anyone.” Castiel hated this, he hated all of it, the things Dean would have to face in the future would be terrible but he couldn’t let himself doubt his Father’s plan.
“So I guess this is goodbye for now little brother but don’t go thinking that you are getting rid of me for long.” Dean had to be strong, he had to make this as easy as possible for his brother, taking care of Sammy was his job.
“Shut up jerk.” Sam beamed at Dean knowing he understood the meaning behind those words.
“Make me bitch.” Dean smiled back, wobbly and watery as it was, it did the trick because Sammy was moving forward and wrapping him in a fierce hug.
“Don’t keep me waiting too long big brother.” Sam whispered as he clung to Dean.
“I won’t I promise. You take care of yourself up there ya hear, promise me.”
“I promise.”
Dean stepped back from Sam and turned to Castiel, “I am holding you personally responsible for his well-being. If I get up there and notice even a hair out of place on his head I’m coming for you. Capiche?”
“I think so, yes, I will make sure that Samuel is comfortable and looked after until your arrival.”
Satisfied for now Dean turned back to his brother, “Well I don’t think this is a trip you have to pack for so I guess this is it huh?”
“Yeah I think so.” Sam looked toward Castiel then back to his brother, “I don’t want to go.” Sam hiccuped as tears started to stream down his face.
Dean was at his brothers side in the blink of an eye. “Hey, hey Sammy it’s ok, I promise everything is going to be ok. I know I can’t be there but Castiel will look out for you until I can be and it will seem like no time at all I promise. You deserve to be somewhere where everyone can see you. Where everyone can get to know what an amazing person you are and how lucky I am to have you as my brother.”
Castiel approached the brothers reluctantly but time was running out. “I am sorry Samuel but it’s time to go.”
Dean instinctively clutched Sammy tighter at those words but forced himself to let go and step back. “Kind of like a re-do on that first day of school right Sammy? Now you can introduce yourself to people, just like I taught you, and they will look at you this time. This time you will get to make friends.” Dean’s voice caught a little at the end there but the meaning was clear, he wanted Sam to be happy and this was his chance.
Sam chuckled a little at that, “Don’t still have that Ninja Turtle backpack laying around anywhere do we?”
Dean barked a laugh at that, “Naw I think you tossed it around age ten when you decided you were too cool for little kid stuff like that. Now come here and give your brother one more hug before this emotional display gets anymore embarrassing.”
Sam and Dean clung to each other and time lost all meaning, they could have been hugging for seconds or hours but however long it was it would never be long enough.
Sam squeezed his eyes shut and whispered in Dean’s ear one last time. “Goodbye Dean.”
At Sam’s words Dean tried to pull him in a little tighter but was suddenly grasping at air. He whirled around in a panic looking for any sign of his brother or the angel. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that! Castiel wasn’t just supposed to take Sammy away without a word.
What was he supposed to do now? How did he even make sense without Sam?
Dean slowly made his way to his bed and collapsed down onto it. He curled up on himself and tried to breathe but every breath hurt. Was this what it was going to be like without his brother? The tears he had been holding back all day hit him full force and his body wracked with sobs. Everything hurt. Dean whimpered the only word that had ever meant anything to him as he tried to hold onto whatever was left of himself.
“Sammy.”
There was no answer.
END
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